Ladysabotage, 38

I am salty, ticklish, and perfectly parked. I'm going to sing your pants off while it's pouring down rain and drag you into the ocean. Then I will laugh at you because you are not wearing pants and you are soaking wet and it is freezing. Then I will cartwheel away until I am dizzy, at which point I will start singing again and ask if you have any lunchmeat.

I am vegan and it is very important to me. Did you think I look like this because I sit around eating steak and beating dogs all day?

I am looking for someone who likes sad girls. Not because I am sad, but because I would like to be sad when I feel like it. If you are sad, it better not be about something stupid. That would really piss me off.

I am a lousy lover. I love the wrong things and I love them way too much. But I'm good at what I do.

I smell like flowers and taste like an ash tray. I have a stupid butt. I like cookies and candy.

Want to see your d--- shorten? Think of me with your mom's hair. If you didn't have a d--- in the first place, imagine me with your dad's hair and you'll grow one.

"You gotta take life cereal, baby."